Being Vulnerable in the Journey of Life

So here I am - 3rd chemo behind me and not enjoying this journey too much. I have also in the last two months been forced to go inside. deep, deep, deep inside. Yes, I know, I thought I did all of that on the Camino! After nights of lying awake, writing down my thoughts, realising how much there is going on in my inner world - in all our inner worlds for that matter. So much that we keep hidden, push down, ignore. People used to call me Superwoman - seriously they did - some of you reading this, would know this. I am realising that there is a price to pay for being Superwoman! I am also realising that it is extremely hard to face your real fears, your own mortality, and to be open to abundant living and loving. When walking the camino I wrote something along the lines of : "I am having so much difficulty to show vulnerability, so much difficulty to do easy, I am having so much difficulty to show that I am weak". Well, I should have embraced it then it seems, because what you don't deal with, comes back another time. You can hide it and push it down and ignore it as much as you like, but it will come and bite you, realy hard. So, in the middle of the night. . . I started thinking about being vulnerable. Is there anything wrong with being vulnerable? Why do we think it is a weakness or a sign of being a lesser human being? Who has told us that vulnerability is a bad thing? Facing cancer shows me that we are all vulnerable. Having children means that you become vulnerable to all sorts of fears and situations. Falling in love means you make yourself vulnerable to another human being. Working for yourself makes you vulnerable on so many levels it actually becomes a bit scary (not that I do the scared thing of course)! Having people in your life, makes you vulnerable, friends can unwittingly hurt you, stupid things happens and your mind just start playing old memories, old habits and you become vulnerable. What I realised is if you can not be vulnerable, there is no way that you can live life fully. There is no way that you can take it on and say - give it to me - I can handle it. If you can not be vulnerable it means that you try to shield yourself from pain, fear, anger, regret, grief, resentment etc. but while doing that you also cut yourself off from emotions like love, happiness, joy, hope, excitement, peace, trust - the list is endless. Which brings me to the point of this post - If you can not be vulnerable then you are not living! You are just existing, dodging bullets as far as you go. You do not get involved with people because they can hurt you, make you angry, die and leave you behind all alone. My mother died in a car accident when I was three years old and to this day I carry the scars of this sudden bereavement and with it the fear, the terrible, terrible fear that something will happen to the people that I love. Does that mean that I have to stop loving?? No!! If I think of the absolute and utter joy that my children and grandchildren brings to my life I only remember the joy and the pleasure when we are together. If I think how loving the people around me, and how the hugs and kisses from my grandchildren makes me feel, how their embraces warms my heart, my body and my soul, would I ever want to not have that - just so that I am not vulnerable?? No! Definitely NO! Life is for living. . and living brings with it insecurities, pain, heartache, joy, happiness, tears, laughter, fear, feeling safe, sharing yourself, giving, oh, I can go on and on, but that would be a whole new blog - maybe about emotional wholeness, emotional honesty etc. So tonight, on the day after my third chemo, sitting in my warm bed, being very grateful for all the blessings in my life, I leave you with one question? Can you be vulnerable today and tomorrow and every day that follows? Try it!!! It is liberating!! Much Love Life Peregrino