Surprise, surprise, I am not Superwoman after all!!

So people have been asking about the blog. Do I still blog? Why am I not blogging? When will I blog again? This blog is born out of those requests. I live to write, but unfortunately I have to work to eat and because I do not have a full time job, but work for myself (not as glamorous as it sounds) I find myself sometimes working until the early morning hours. It takes the human body, apparently, years to rid itself of chemotherapy. So besides working myself to near death, I am still battling the effects of the Red Devil (chemotherapy). I am also busy writing a book on my cancer/ chemo/ mastectomy/radiation year. This is taking much longer than I planned and I am (as usual) finding it very difficult to be honest about whatever is going on with me. I would still rather paint a pretty picture, instead of telling people that things are bad. I had a light bulb moment a couple of days ago, visiting with my girlfriends and just blurting out that my life at the moment was really “crap”. I realised that it was OK to tell people that I am not good, that all is not rosy, that life really sucks sometimes. I find it so difficult to be honest about the agonies and heartbreak and pain in my life, because I always feel that I want to make it easy for other people. I don’t want to make other people uncomfortable, trying to find the right words to comfort me and the most important I guess, I never want to give the appearance of being a victim. But I’m realizing more and more that by really being honest, I could be making it easier for other people to talk about the sadness of their lives, to tell me their stories. Tell me what they fear, tell me what makes their hearts ache, tell me what drives them to tears. Surprise, surprise, I am not Superwoman after all!! But don’t you believe for one moment, that I am letting go of superwoman that easily. Part of me still wants to be superwoman, still want to be iron woman. . Yip, that’s what people called me (albeit about twelve long years ago). But this is it; I want to let her go. I want to give up on being strong, on always being OK, on always being fine. What a crappy word fine is! It's right up there with “nice”! What the fluck does nice mean. And what does fine mean. It's non-descriptive words. It means nothing. I would much rather be Great! Wonderful! Magnificent! Or really Crap! Awful! Terrible! But fine and nice. . nope, not for me. Never has been, never will be. And I am OK with that. I would much rather live life with real emotion and feelings than not feel anything at all. But that’s a topic for another blog. So, I have decided to let superwoman go. I am making a conscious decision to be vulnerable. Although, being vulnerable has cost me seriously in the past. But you can never give up, can you? It's like giving up on life. And what a waste that would be, to be here, alive, but not living. No Sir! That is definitely not for me. So I will march on, with my sword and my shield, but maybe, hopefully, this time, with a little bit more wisdom, a little bit more knowledge and a little bit more common sense. And that of course, is also a topic for another blog – how my common sense, is not your common sense and vice versa. So, If you were hoping to read an uplifting, happy, smiley, motivational blog, this is not it! This is an honest blog! I have lived my life being OK, even if I was NOT OK. Especially when I was SO, SO, NOT OK. I would just wave and smile, wave and smile. I am all about being honest, being real, being authentic. And yet, I hide myself from the people who love and care about me, because I believe I should always be strong. I spent the weekend with one of my best friends. Her husband retired at the end of June and they moved down to Cape Town. Walking on the beach at Betty’s Bay I had so many profound thoughts and insights. Spending time with people who has known me for fifteen years, who knew me in “another” life, just put a totally different perspective on so many things. My life now, certainly is nothing like it was and also is nothing that I thought it would be, twelve years ago when I got divorced. When I moved down to Cape Town towards the end of 2002 I had no idea that I had Adrenal Burnout. I thought I was just suffering from the emotional upheaval of a divorce. I did not even know the term Adrenal Burnout. Much less did I think that I would get cancer. I have been in mourning for a long, long time, without even knowing it. Mourning a parent that I never knew, mourning babies that I never held, mourning a body that was ravished by cancer, mourning love that was not to be. I am SO much a 500% person. So I guess it would make sense that I would mourn to the same measure that I live, love and give. In the next couple of days, I will know if reconstruction is feasible for me. On the one hand, I want it, on the other, I am so scared! What if I die? What if the new boobs are ugly?? What if I get infections?? What if?? What if??? What if???? So, there you go. I have decided to start blogging again. Maybe someone who has also been strong for too long, will read this and will realise that real strength, actually comes from being vulnerable, being open, being present, because the present is all we really have. Mucho amor, Still a Peregrino in this wonderful journey called Life