Surprise, surprise, I am not Superwoman after all!!

So people have been asking about the blog. Do I still blog? Why am I not blogging? When will I blog again? This blog is born out of those requests. I live to write, but unfortunately I have to work to eat and because I do not have a full time job, but work for myself (not as glamorous as it sounds) I find myself sometimes working until the early morning hours. It takes the human body, apparently, years to rid itself of chemotherapy. So besides working myself to near death, I am still battling the effects of the Red Devil (chemotherapy). I am also busy writing a book on my cancer/ chemo/ mastectomy/radiation year. This is taking much longer than I planned and I am (as usual) finding it very difficult to be honest about whatever is going on with me. I would still rather paint a pretty picture, instead of telling people that things are bad. I had a light bulb moment a couple of days ago, visiting with my girlfriends and just blurting out that my life at the moment was really “crap”. I realised that it was OK to tell people that I am not good, that all is not rosy, that life really sucks sometimes. I find it so difficult to be honest about the agonies and heartbreak and pain in my life, because I always feel that I want to make it easy for other people. I don’t want to make other people uncomfortable, trying to find the right words to comfort me and the most important I guess, I never want to give the appearance of being a victim. But I’m realizing more and more that by really being honest, I could be making it easier for other people to talk about the sadness of their lives, to tell me their stories. Tell me what they fear, tell me what makes their hearts ache, tell me what drives them to tears. Surprise, surprise, I am not Superwoman after all!! But don’t you believe for one moment, that I am letting go of superwoman that easily. Part of me still wants to be superwoman, still want to be iron woman. . Yip, that’s what people called me (albeit about twelve long years ago). But this is it; I want to let her go. I want to give up on being strong, on always being OK, on always being fine. What a crappy word fine is! It's right up there with “nice”! What the fluck does nice mean. And what does fine mean. It's non-descriptive words. It means nothing. I would much rather be Great! Wonderful! Magnificent! Or really Crap! Awful! Terrible! But fine and nice. . nope, not for me. Never has been, never will be. And I am OK with that. I would much rather live life with real emotion and feelings than not feel anything at all. But that’s a topic for another blog. So, I have decided to let superwoman go. I am making a conscious decision to be vulnerable. Although, being vulnerable has cost me seriously in the past. But you can never give up, can you? It's like giving up on life. And what a waste that would be, to be here, alive, but not living. No Sir! That is definitely not for me. So I will march on, with my sword and my shield, but maybe, hopefully, this time, with a little bit more wisdom, a little bit more knowledge and a little bit more common sense. And that of course, is also a topic for another blog – how my common sense, is not your common sense and vice versa. So, If you were hoping to read an uplifting, happy, smiley, motivational blog, this is not it! This is an honest blog! I have lived my life being OK, even if I was NOT OK. Especially when I was SO, SO, NOT OK. I would just wave and smile, wave and smile. I am all about being honest, being real, being authentic. And yet, I hide myself from the people who love and care about me, because I believe I should always be strong. I spent the weekend with one of my best friends. Her husband retired at the end of June and they moved down to Cape Town. Walking on the beach at Betty’s Bay I had so many profound thoughts and insights. Spending time with people who has known me for fifteen years, who knew me in “another” life, just put a totally different perspective on so many things. My life now, certainly is nothing like it was and also is nothing that I thought it would be, twelve years ago when I got divorced. When I moved down to Cape Town towards the end of 2002 I had no idea that I had Adrenal Burnout. I thought I was just suffering from the emotional upheaval of a divorce. I did not even know the term Adrenal Burnout. Much less did I think that I would get cancer. I have been in mourning for a long, long time, without even knowing it. Mourning a parent that I never knew, mourning babies that I never held, mourning a body that was ravished by cancer, mourning love that was not to be. I am SO much a 500% person. So I guess it would make sense that I would mourn to the same measure that I live, love and give. In the next couple of days, I will know if reconstruction is feasible for me. On the one hand, I want it, on the other, I am so scared! What if I die? What if the new boobs are ugly?? What if I get infections?? What if?? What if??? What if???? So, there you go. I have decided to start blogging again. Maybe someone who has also been strong for too long, will read this and will realise that real strength, actually comes from being vulnerable, being open, being present, because the present is all we really have. Mucho amor, Still a Peregrino in this wonderful journey called Life

November 2013

Fellow Pilgrims of Life, I have not blogged in a while. If the truth be told, I had nothing to say, could not share what was going on inside me and could not see the silver lining. . . . However, today is a new day, in a couple of months it will be a new year and every day that we are alive is supposed to be a good day. Can you believe that this year is nearly over??? I can not. . . I am going to share a little bit of the last 16 months since I last blogged. The one thing that I can tell you is that chemotherapy is not for sissies! I still do not believe that it does any good and wish I knew a whole lot more about Integrative Health. We just do not know enough about our bodies, complimentary therapies etc. and allow the medical fraternity to put the fear of death in our hearts! Chemotherapy : No thank you, I do not want to have it. . . not today, not for me, bladebladebla The day that I had my appointment for the dreaded confirmation - I was immediately whisked away to the Oncology Department. . .do they know we wont come back if they make an appointment somewhere in the future?? The doctor proceeded to tell me what I already knew and informed me that I had to start chemotherapy immediately. I balked, I wanted to run, I wanted to hide, I DID NOT want to have chemotherapy. Did you know that chemotherapy is a poison? It actually started out as a chemical warfare weapon. . .you can google it. . its true! But on that note, if you have cancer, believe you me, Googlethu is NOT your friend. . . Anyway, I told her that I did not think that chemotherapy was a good idea and she looked at me like a school marm would look at a naughtly little girl with ponytails. . . also, she knew full well that she had the upper hand and half an hour later I was sitting in the "chemo chair" with a needle in my arm and the red poison being pumped into my arteries!! Finding the vein was not so difficult the first time - but do follow my posts as I have some horror stories to tell - I had a brief moment of nausea and then sat there for about 3 hours with a "knowing" that this stuff is SO not good for me. . . The first time round was not so bad. . . back home was not so bad. . . but tomorrow I will fill you in on the 2nd time around. . . Much Love Despite a lot of C R A P over the last 2 years. . .I am still . . . just a Pilgrim in the Journey of Life. . .

Being Vulnerable in the Journey of Life

So here I am - 3rd chemo behind me and not enjoying this journey too much. I have also in the last two months been forced to go inside. deep, deep, deep inside. Yes, I know, I thought I did all of that on the Camino! After nights of lying awake, writing down my thoughts, realising how much there is going on in my inner world - in all our inner worlds for that matter. So much that we keep hidden, push down, ignore. People used to call me Superwoman - seriously they did - some of you reading this, would know this. I am realising that there is a price to pay for being Superwoman! I am also realising that it is extremely hard to face your real fears, your own mortality, and to be open to abundant living and loving. When walking the camino I wrote something along the lines of : "I am having so much difficulty to show vulnerability, so much difficulty to do easy, I am having so much difficulty to show that I am weak". Well, I should have embraced it then it seems, because what you don't deal with, comes back another time. You can hide it and push it down and ignore it as much as you like, but it will come and bite you, realy hard. So, in the middle of the night. . . I started thinking about being vulnerable. Is there anything wrong with being vulnerable? Why do we think it is a weakness or a sign of being a lesser human being? Who has told us that vulnerability is a bad thing? Facing cancer shows me that we are all vulnerable. Having children means that you become vulnerable to all sorts of fears and situations. Falling in love means you make yourself vulnerable to another human being. Working for yourself makes you vulnerable on so many levels it actually becomes a bit scary (not that I do the scared thing of course)! Having people in your life, makes you vulnerable, friends can unwittingly hurt you, stupid things happens and your mind just start playing old memories, old habits and you become vulnerable. What I realised is if you can not be vulnerable, there is no way that you can live life fully. There is no way that you can take it on and say - give it to me - I can handle it. If you can not be vulnerable it means that you try to shield yourself from pain, fear, anger, regret, grief, resentment etc. but while doing that you also cut yourself off from emotions like love, happiness, joy, hope, excitement, peace, trust - the list is endless. Which brings me to the point of this post - If you can not be vulnerable then you are not living! You are just existing, dodging bullets as far as you go. You do not get involved with people because they can hurt you, make you angry, die and leave you behind all alone. My mother died in a car accident when I was three years old and to this day I carry the scars of this sudden bereavement and with it the fear, the terrible, terrible fear that something will happen to the people that I love. Does that mean that I have to stop loving?? No!! If I think of the absolute and utter joy that my children and grandchildren brings to my life I only remember the joy and the pleasure when we are together. If I think how loving the people around me, and how the hugs and kisses from my grandchildren makes me feel, how their embraces warms my heart, my body and my soul, would I ever want to not have that - just so that I am not vulnerable?? No! Definitely NO! Life is for living. . and living brings with it insecurities, pain, heartache, joy, happiness, tears, laughter, fear, feeling safe, sharing yourself, giving, oh, I can go on and on, but that would be a whole new blog - maybe about emotional wholeness, emotional honesty etc. So tonight, on the day after my third chemo, sitting in my warm bed, being very grateful for all the blessings in my life, I leave you with one question? Can you be vulnerable today and tomorrow and every day that follows? Try it!!! It is liberating!! Much Love Life Peregrino

The Journey Continues

I initially started this blog to share my experiences walking the Santiago de Compostela also known as the El Camino de Santiago. The name of my blog also reflects my life - living here on earth under the stars. El Camino translated roughly, means Walking the Way - and we are all pilgrims (peregrinos) in life, walking the way in our own way, in our own lives, in the country/city or towns where we live, at our workplaces, in our family and friendship circles. Life really is a journey. Each one of us decides if it is a pleasant, exciting, adventurous journey or if it is a hardship. I can honestly say that for me life is an adventure. Certainly there were times that I experienced deep pain and unhappiness. It is also true that I have known love and abundant joy many more times than I have felt pain and unhappiness. I have amazing friends, awesome kids, lovely grandchildren, and then I also have cancer. So this blog is about the start of a new journey, the journey of chemotherapy and all the unknowns that follows. . . and me sharing this with you. I have been ignoring the issue a bit, seeing that I feel well and fit but today my hair started coming out in big chunks. . .Those of you who knows me well, knows that I just love my hair!! All of a sudden it is a reality - chemo will get me. . hehe. But on the upside, can you imagine how much less time I will have to spend in front of the mirror in the mornings. I love wearing hats and they can all come out now and I will be saving loads of money - not having to buy shampoo and mousse and the electricity to dry, curl or straighten the hair must add up to quite a bit! So, watch this space, for some fun reading, sometimes maybe some sad reading. . but hopefully always uplifting reading. . . As always Much Love Life Peregrino. . .

Goodbye Santiago/Hello Life

Goodbye St James the Pilgrim and St James the Matamoor Slayer.

I flew out of Santiago on Tuesday 18 October 2011. This was 5 days earlier than I planned, but with me not walking to Finisterre I found myself all of a sudden restless and ready to go.

My plane left from La Coruna airport which was about an hour by bus from Santiago. The bus driver thought he was doing me a favour and dropped me off on the highway. There I was, trekking (limping) up the hill not sure where I was going. But all was well, soon the aeroporto appeared on my left hand side, people were speaking English and I was on my way to Britian.

Sitting at the airport I had mixed feelings, some sadness, elation because I was going to see my kids and a feeling of having left something somewhere. Maybe a little bit of myself stayed behind.

This is the 2nd to last post on the El Camino and I hope you enjoyed journeying with me on the Field of Stars.

Perplexed Peregrino

Pilgrims Mass and Swinging of the Botafumeiro

I went to the Pilgrims Mass on Saturday. Very little English, so I did not get much of the message but it felt special somehow and by now I was over my initial disgust of all the tourists who were doing the pilgrim thing!

The most amazing part of the mass was the swinging of the Botafumeiro. On Friday night I met a pilgrim who walked the Portuguese Route and he told me that the Botafumeiro was swinging on the Friday and that it was still hanging there, which meant it would swing again. Well, it swinged!!! This is a highlight of the pilgrimage and I felt very priviledged to see it. (I did smile when the priests were applauded very loudly at the end of it and realised that most people were there not for the mass but for the Swinging of the Thingy)!

The Santiago de Compostela Botafumeiro is the largest censer in the world, weighing 80 kg and measuring 1.60 m in height. It is usually on exhibition in the library of the cathedral, but on holy days it is attached to the pulley mechanism and filled with 40 kg of charcoal and incense. It takes 6 to 8 men (priests) to pull the ropes and bring it into a swinging motion almost to the roof of the transept, reaching speeds of 60 km/h and dispensing thick clouds of incense. One tradition has it that the use of a swinging censer in the Santiago de Compostela Cathedral began in the 11th century to mask the smell of the tired and unwashed pilgrims. It was also believed that incense smoke had a prophylactic effect in the time of plagues and epidemics. Of course, incense burning is also an important part of the liturgy, being an "oration to God", or form of prayer.

Some technical info for those of you who are interested : The Botafumeiro can reach speeds of 68 km/h as it dispenses thick clouds of incense. At the top of the swing, it reaches heights of 21 meters. It swings in a 65 meter arc between the Azabachería and Praterias doorways at the ends of the transept. The maximum angle achieved is about 82°. The maximum can be reached after about 17 cycles, and requires about 80 seconds of swinging. It costs about R3000 to fill it and swing it, so I was really very surprised to find myself being part of this.


It is quite spectacular and goes hand in hand with people shrieking and sighing as it swings above their heads and miss the stained glass windows. I am sure there would be a video on Youtube for those of you who would like to see this.

Incensed Peregrino

Finisterra

When I started planning my pilgrimage I really wanted to continue from Santiago to Finisterra which was another 5 days of walking. However, my foot was not getting better, swelling down in the mornings and then very bad if I walked a lot during the day. The way to Finisterre had many little hills and valleys and I realised that the clever thing would be to take a bus - so, for all of you non believers out there,I am not as hard headed as you think I am!!!

I took a bus to Finisterre on Sunday the 16th of October and what a beautiful 3 hour ride it was. I might go back - big might - and walk this last bit for myself.

In the times of the Romans and Celts, Finisterre (called "finis terrae") was considered to be at the farthest edge of the north westerly land mass and was described as "the end of the earth" (in Latin, "finis terrae" means "end of the world"). Finisterre also possesses a reputation for being on "the coast of death", since many vessels have left the port, never to return.

I met the lovely Irishman Paul and spend the day on the beach with him. On the way back to the bus stop we met up with Eli and the two of us forged an immediate bond. Spent some time with her in Santiago. Finisterre is magical, the beaches are beautiful and sitting there I got this deep, deep longing for Bloubergstrand and everything South African.

The mist started rolling in as we left Finisterra and somehow I knew that my journey had come to an end. . not just the physical journey but also the inner journey. Sitting on the beach, I knew that I have found an inner peace that would not be easily disturbed by whatever life choose to throw at me when I go back.

Peaceful Peregrino

Santiago!!

I walked into Santiago on Friday the 14th October at about 3 in the afternoon fully expecting a red carpet, rose petals, trumpets and the bishop (no less) to greet me after my long and arduous journey! What a let-down it was. Nobody even knew that I arrived!!

Traditionally, the Pilgrims Journey ends with a walk up the stairs to the Statue of St James but there were so many tourists in the cathedral and a long line waiting to go up the stairs. Oh!! The disgust I experienced when I saw them all with a newly bought staff with gourd and shell. This was being sold just outside the gate into the cathedral and I felt a self-righteous annoyance because these tourists had no idea of doing a pilgrimage and yet here they are strutting around with their wooden staffs! Tut, tut, Willemien!! Judgements, judgements. . and I thought I was getting so good and not judging. I proceeded to the pilgrims office to claim my compostela. . and once again. . .no fanfare, no “Wow!! You walked all the way from St Jean??” Nada, nothing, niks, more disgust. . .This is obviously all in fun, but I did experience Santiago as very touristy.
Anyway, this was not a good moment for me so I decided to go and find my pension, book in, have a shower and just generally ease myself into the hustle and bustle of Santiago.
Santiago is very expensive compared to the more rural areas – paid 20 Euros for a plate of Spaghetti Bolognaise and a glass of wine! Buying my Euros with South African Rands obviously did not help! Beer with Lemon went from between 1.50 and 2.50 Euros to 4 Euros and coffee was also more expensive. I walked around Santiago (or rather limped), slept really well that night and set out to explore more of the city the next morning.
I could still not believe that I was in Santiago, that I have done it, that is is over!!

Amazed Peregrino

Arca O Pino

Thursday, 13 October 2011

I am in Arca O Pino, only 20kms from Santiago.

The last 5 weeks had many ups and downs, a fall, a getting up again and lots of pain and limping. And yet, here I am, nearing the end of my journey to Santiago.

I initially planned to walk another 4 days to Finnisterre but with the pain in my ankle decided that I would bus there, and maybe one day return. . who knows what the future holds?

For all of those who mailed and asked about my ankle. . no it is not the leg that I broke in 2009 - it is my right leg. The swelling has gone down considerably, the only pain now is from a ligament that will take another 4 weeks or so to heal properly.

Some of my fellow pilgrims thinks that I am hardheaded. . .others just think that I am plain stupid. . . but I could not just stop the journey halfway. I bussed some of it and walked short stretches. I do feel that I have missed out on the experience of Galicea. Galicea to my mind, is the most beautiful part of the Camino. If I ever do return I will walk again from Sarria. . .

Tomorrow I arrive in Santiago. I plan to bus to the end of the world on Saturday, spend the night there - I have to see the sun dipping into the sea - and then back to Santiago on Sunday, spending another day or two there.

I do believe that things happen for a reason. The group that I walked with for most of the journey has now finished their Camino and all have gone home - or the ones who took rest days in Leon - is behind me. I hope to meet at least some of them in Santiago. I have met some lovely new people over the last couple of days. . people I have not travelled with before. Lots of talking over bottles of good Galicea wine and eating pulpo. . .a delicacy in Galicea and very very good.

How simple my life had become. I find myself with long stretches after walking and arriving in the next town of doing nothing, nada, zero, zilch! Not an easy thing for me! The best part of this is the realisation that there is nothing wrong with doing nothing. . . At some level the learning continues. Just sitting in the plaza soaking up the sun, looking at the people passing. . .I could come and live here in Spain!!

I will probably only update the blog once I am back in Britian. Would really like to upload some photographs so that you can experience this in pictures as well. Words can become quite boring. . .

Well, that is me for today. . .

I have gone from wild peregrino to walking, eating, sleeping peregrino, stupid peregrino, hungry peregrino, wild peregrino, bathroom annoyed peregrino, falling, getting up, walking with pain peregino, crying peregrino, wild and limping peregrino and still the circle is not complete. . . will it ever be, I wonder.

In the meantime,

Ultreia,

Wild and Limping but Satisfied with Life Peregrino

3 Days to Santiago!!!

Blogging from my cell phone. I am in Galicea and should be in Santiago by Friday!

It feels very surreal and although my journey did not go exactly as I planned it, I feel loath to stop. .

Will do a proper update as soon as I can find an internet cafe. .

Limping Peregrino
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